The Meadow
by ocicat
Summary: A parody of when Bella and Edward went to the meadow in Twilight. Please read. Three SHOT?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or anything associated with twilight (apart from the following piece of writing). Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, and the ideas behind twilight.**

Edward: Bella, do you want ride to Seattle?

Bella: With, with ... Santa?

Edward: No, Bella, with me.

Bella: With, with ... you?

Edward: Do you need a hearing aid?

Bella: Not with Santa??

Edward: With me!!

Bella: Okay.

Edward: Good. So, let's not go to Seattle.

Bella: Okay, where shall we go?

Edward: It is a surprise.

Bella: Wait, dont you hate me?

Edward: I got over it, kind of, so stay away from me, but come with me.

Bella: totally...

**Later**

Edward: Bella, are you sure you want to go with me to the ... place?

Bella: Yes, my pretty

Edward: Alright. IT'S A BAD IDEA. Alright. But, tell the whole population of Forks that you are coming with me to a place.

Bella: Why?

Edward: So that I dont EAT YOU!!

Bella: Good idea

She then goes and tells everyone who knew about her going with Edward somewhere that she is doing washing instead.

Bella: I think that I wont go, I'll do washing instead.

Jessica: Okay... good to know. LETS TALK ABOUT MIKE!

**Meadow day**

Charlie is gone. Edward is there.

Bella: Our clothes are the same. Oh god.

She reaches for the anti-depressants. They drive to the forest. Then five hours of Bella tripping over her own feet follow. Finally Edward steps out into his meadow, into the sunlight.

Bella: Wow, you sparkle. That's not creepy at all.

Edward: I don't breathe either, I eat animals and used to eat PEOPLE!

Bella: Cool... your so pretty.

Edward: That's so that I can EAT you.

Bella: Can I, um... _touch _you?

Edward: You sound perverted... so... yes!

Bella reaches out to touch Edward.

Edward: DEAR GOD NO!

He runs away and hides in the shadows. Bella breaks down.

Bella: But, but, you said!

Edward: I know. I will randomly rip a tree out of the ground and throw it at another tree now.

He does so.

Edward: And running. I can run.

He does so. Pretty fast.

Bella: You should join track...

Edward: BUT I'M DANGEROUS! YOU SHOULDN'T TOUCH ME!

Bella:Okay.

Edward returns to her. Bella touches him.

Edward: mmm, that feels sooo good. Keep touching me. I want to eat you. Who knows that you are here with me?

Bella: You?

Edward: NO ONE KNOWS! GOD, NOW I _HAVE _TO EAT YOU!

Bella: Okay, but don't let anyone find out it was you.

Edward: Let us return to the car, I will carry you.

Bella: How? I am bigger than a bag.

Edward: DID YOU NOT SEE ME BREAK THE TREE??

Bella: sorry...

Edward: That's okay. I'm just annoyed with myself because you ae so dumb.

Bella: Makes sense, don't be.

They go to the car in about five seconds.

Bella: I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE! A LITTLE WARNING NEXT TIME!

Edward: You saw me run randomly fast, remember? GOD! What are you, a goldfish?

Bella: I feel sick.

Edward: Head between your knees.

She does so.

Bella: I still feel sick, so I will make out with you.

They do so.

Bella: Now I feel sick.

Edward: Woah! I shall drive.

Bella: why?

Edward: Umm... you feel sick...

Bella: oh yeah! Okay, you drive.

They are home.

Bella: That was fast.

Edward: Seriously, will you get it already?! I am fast, and strong.

Bella: OH YEAH. Night

Edward: Night.

**Sorry, I know it wasn't that good, but I was BORED. Anyway, please review.**

**Ocicat**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I dont own Twilight.**

**This one is based on when Bella and Edward went to the Meadow in the movie Twilight.**

Bella: I have a theory

Edward: I am not Spiderman.

Bella: No? Damn. I know! I will use what some Indian told me. You're a vampire, aren't you?

Edward: Le gasp! How did you know?

Bella: Your skin is ice cold.

Edward: The deductions! Well aren't you just Sherlock…

Bella: Ice cold, like ice.

Edward: I got that part.

Bella: You are incredibly fast.

Edward: Well, I do work out.

_He flexes his awesome biceps._

Bella: … And incredibly strong.

Edward: There you go; you don't need my help at _all. _

_He throws a tree just to prove this._

Bella: Your skin is snow white.

Edward: Be my seven dwarfs.

Bella: What?

Edward: Doesn't work? No? I guess it only sounded romantic in my head. Do go on.

Bella: Sometimes… you talk like you're from a different era.

Edward: Why speakest thou thus? I beseech the, speak not of such things.

Bella: And… you seem to be in love with me, which means you obviously are a _mythical creature._

Edward: Don't you want to ask me the most important question?

Bella: I thought that it was generally the male who propos…

Edward: That comes later, in another book. Don't you want to know what I eat?

Bella: Pizza?

Edward: No… vampire.

Bella: …

Edward: Vampire eats… You know, two plus two equals four.

Bella: Oh! You would never hurt me.

Edward: I think I would be a better judge of that. You just smell so _good._

I can't believe that you are still alive. Why haven't I eaten you yet?

Bella: Because you love me?

Edward: Has that bit come yet? Because we are only about two weeks into the relationship.

Bella: Times moves fast when your in _love._

Edward:… Anyway… So, I eat animals, not people.

Bella: Those poor little animals. Might I see you murder them sometime?

Edward: NO!! I say no! For thou dost not understand the power of thoust scent on me.

Bella: Huh?

Edward: You don't know what happens when I hunt, you smell too good. I would eat you, most likely.

Bella: So… that's a bad idea, then?

Edward: YES!

Bella: Okay… It's getting dark.

Edward: _Really? _I obviously noticed that with my _super eyes!_

Bella: Oh… Can I ride you?

Edward: You want me to run you to the car?

Bella: Yes, _of course _that's what I meant, _of course._

**Please Review.**

**Thanks for reading**

**Ocicat**


	3. Chapter 3

**DISLCAIMER: I dont own Twilight I own midnight, and to a lesser extent noon, but not Twilight. hehe**

So they are at the meadow when...

_Edward Cullen steps into the sun._

Bella: Glittering, that's what you do?

Edward: Yes, Bella dear.

Bella:And you've been warning me that you're some terrible beast?

'Ahh, run, the vampires are coming!'

'No!! Whatever you do, don't let it _sparkle_ on you!!'

Edward: The glittering doesn't scare you then?

Bella: 'OMG, the vampires are coming; their eyes _change colour, _run, _dear god, _run! They glare at you goldenly!'

Edward: Bella…

Bella: 'Oh no Fear the almighty Cullen Coven, they eat _animals!_ RUN FOR YOU'R LIFE!'

Edward: Bella, stop that.

Bella: What are you going to do about it, huh, Edward? _Glitter _on me? Huh? Oh no, glitter man is coming!

Edward: Bella, you may think that we aren't that scary in comparison to generic 'Dracula' type vampires, but think about these things: We don't have to be invited inside to enter your house.

Bella: Clearly not, stalker boy, you've been watching me sleep all week.

'Oh noes! Fear the vampires; they might walk in on you while you're having a shower! Dear god, just kill me now!'

Edward: …We don't run from the smell of garlic, or die from eating it.

Bella: Dang, there goes my plan for sneaking some garlic bread into your next dead fix!

Edward: We aren't scared of holy crosses…

Bella: Now where does that put my faith in God?

Edward: We do not turn into bats.

Bella: 'Le gasp! The human-looking vampires are approaching! If only they could morph into small furry mammals…'

Edward: We don't wear long capes either.

Bella: They'll attack us with their fashion sense!

Edward: We don't live in Transylvania.

Bella: No shit, Sherlock.

Edward: We don't sleep in coffins.

Bella: 'Ahh! No, they slept on mattresses last night!'

Edward: Actually, vampires never sleep.

Bella: Even scarier. 'Careful! They haven't had their beauty sleep in a few decades!'

Edward: But we are centuries old.

Bella: Shit! They escaped from the retirement village!

Edward: I can read minds, well… not yours…

Bella: Oh no? He's going to mind read the person opposite me? Someone please save me from the horror?

Edward: Shut up, you know, I really _am _scary.

Bella: Whatever you say, monsieur Sparkles.

Edward: I am incredibly fast.

Bella: Well that's quite a bad thing in a few areas of intimacy, if you know what I mean, wink wink.

Edward: Haha, you say that now but later on a certain Isle of Esme where I break your bones… I am very strong. I am also…very… umm…ahh…

Bella: Paedophilic?

Edward: Well… yeah, but let us not talk about that right now.

Bella: We'll talk about that later, with my dad, maybe?

Edward: Sure!

Bella: Yahoo!

Edward: Google!

Bella: What?

Edward: I thought that we were listing internet search providers… were we not?

Bella: Well… to be frank… no.

Edward: Haha, you're Frank!

Bella: And you're glittering, aren't you such a _girl._

Edward: Listen Bella, in my rant about my features I forgot to mention. I could kill you in a second.

Bella: Yeah? Well, like, you _wouldn't dare._

Edward: Oh yeah, biatch? Why not?

Bella: Because you _like _having someone who will actually talk to you. And no one else will.

Edward: If you're going to be a bitch I don't _want _to talk to you.

Bella: If you're going to leave me, I will tell Lauren where you live.

Edward: She already knows where I live, take that!

Bella: Wait, why?

Edward: Oh… another time, another time.

Bella: No, now.

Edward: Let's just say… the mothers of this town went through a phase where they were very enthusiastic about arranged marriages.

Bella: Umm…

Edward: I know, Bella, I know. That's why I live here, for the oddness.

Bella: You mean that's why you _exist_ here. Haha.

Edward: Whatever. Hey, where are you going?

Bella: I'm going to get a boyfriend who _doesn't glitter._

Edward: Oh… you have fun with that.

Bella: And _you _have fun with _your _problem.

Edward: What problem?

Bella: Let us just say that I just alerted the FBI to check high school enrolment registrations for Edward Cullen, over the last one hundred years.

Edward: You didn't…

Bella: Oh yeah, baby. Let's see whose watching who sleep tonight!

Edward: OMG I'M SORRY, I WON'T EVER AGAIN, PLEASE JUST DON'T DO THIS!

Bella: Too late (she walks away)

Edward: PLEASE I PROMIS…. Wait, where did you get the FBI's number? Bella? BELLA? (He leaves the meadow also leaving a snail-trail of glitter after him)

Narrator: The end.

**Thanks for reading ( i am assuming that if you are reading this you read that (points at text)**

**PLease review.**


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